Sunday, 1 March 2015

Guide to the Persian Elections 2015

It's been a year of turmoil for Persian politics. Following a year of war, internal palace backstabbing and political maneuvering, Persians are once again going to the polls. Here's a short overview of the leading candidates and parties aiming to take control of Persia in the elections taking place in Adar 2015.


Led by Achashveirosh, nicknamed "King Achashveirosh", who is entering his 12th year in charge of the party, the Likud are seen as the most likely party to win the Persian elections. However recently the party has been rocked by an expenses scandal involving Achashveirosh's excessive spending at feasts paid for by taxes which he levied. Achashveirosh's major platform is security, and preventing the Greeks from obtaining a nuclear javelin. However, many people point to the wars, civil unrest and attempted assassinations and question Achashveirosh's security credentials. Despite all this, Achashveirosh's fluent declarations in each people's language and script still make him a strong candidate, and polls show that he is still liked by "most of his brethren".

Persian Union

The newly-formed Persian Union is the main challenger to Achashveirosh for the kingship, and their 'it's us or him' campaign, and calls for a 'revolution' have succeeded in making this a two-horse race around Shushan. The surprise of the campaign was the alliance of two former political rivals, Haman and Vashti, who have committed to sharing the throne in the next term of office should they win the election. The two leaders come from contrasting backgrounds; whereas Haman has always been a rival of Mordechai and a champion of the left, Vashti has had a nomadic career, which started with her being second on Achashveirosh's list, a position which ended when she refused to come to a crucial cabinet meeting and was subsequently sacked by him. Haman's lack of charisma means that he faces a battle to win over the electorate, who regularly make fun of his voice at public events all over the country.

Mordechai Hayehudi

Formerly known as the National Religious Party, the Mordechai Hayehudi party promotes the Jewish people's return to the homeland and is hawkish on many issues of religion and state. It's main platform is that Persia's provincial system does not work, and it wants Shushan to annex two thirds of Persia's 127 provinces and bring them under Persian law. This would mean that controversial laws such as 'making each man dominion over his wife' would be extended, thus placing into question Mordechai's attempts to modernise the party (though this is slightly mitigated by his placing of Esther as number 2 on his list). His publicity stunt of not bowing down to Haman, and social media campaign encouraging others to not bow down to things they don't worship, has elicited criticisms of scaremongering. However Mordechai, who once worked as Chief of Staff of Achashveirosh's office, is increasingly being touted for the top job in Persia.

Yesh Atid

This relatively new party was formed by Bigtan before the last elections, and took the country by storm. Previously a TV show host, Bigtan was famous for his on-screen partnership with Teresh, and the two co-hosted famous shows such as 'Persian Idol' and 'Xerxes Factor', which eventually produced Esther as a celebrity wife for Achashveirosh. Bigtan's political career soured following a fall-out with Achashveirosh, where the latter famously accused Bigtan of trying to mount a coup. The situation escalated when Mordechai told Achashveirosh that Bigtan was preparing an assassination attempt on him, and Achashveirosh subsequently dissolved the government. Disgraced, and the loser of a personal political dual with Mordechai, Bigtan is not expected to win many seats this time around.


Culanu is a new party led by Charvonah, and could be the surprise package of this election. Charvona is seen as a populist, whose main platform is the targeting of rich magnates who inflict evil on the population. His sudden rise to fame came in preventing Haman from destroying the Jewish people by hanging him on the gallows he made for Mordechai. However aides of Achashveirosh are at pains to point out that this policy was only successful due to Achashveirosh's strong leadership and approval of the plan. That being said, it was Charvona who took the credit and will be remembered for good.

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